If you know what it means to be the “default parent,” that’s probably because you are the default parent. In two-parent households, the default parent is the one who’s responsible for most things as it pertains to the kids, the one who’s handling their physical, emotional, and logistical needs. But hey, it doesn’t have to be this way.

TikToker Dr. Em, a pediatrician whose username is @dremzieees, shares some game-changing advice on the platform about default parenting, advice that she tells all of her patients at their child’s first-ever newborn check-up. Dr. Em tells moms and dads in two-parent homes that both parents need to tell the other parent when they’re leaving the room.

“When both parents are in the room, if mom needs to leave the room — if she needs to go to the bathroom, if she needs to change her clothes — she tells her partner,” she says. “Fathers on the other hand will oftentimes just get up and leave the room because they know that mom is there.”

The issue here, she says, is that this automatically makes mom the default caregiver, putting mom “on” all the time without a break, whereas dad can come and go as he pleases without worrying about who’s watching the kids.

“It’s something a lot of men don’t realize unless you tell them,” she notes. “If mom doesn’t know when her duties are going to start and end, she’s just always on duty for the baby.”

I relate hard to this concept, but I’m lucky that my husband and I are equal partners when it comes to the majority of child rearing. I’m certainly in charge of the logistical stuff and carry 99 percent of the mental load (let’s just say dad is a Type B personality), but he does his fair share of household chores and is the primarily emotional soundboard for our anxious son. We also have an infant, so when either of us leaves the room even for a few minutes, the other one needs to be made aware so that the baby doesn’t ingest any of her big brother’s legos or topple her cute, cheeky face onto the hardwood floors. Not going to lie, it’s kind of nice not having a default parent in my marriage and knowing I don’t have to be “on” all the time when my husband is present.

If your kids are past the newborn stage and you didn’t set this precedent early on and now you’re worried you’re stuck being the go-to caregiver until your kid turns 18, no, it’s not too late. Moms, just passive aggressively slide this story and its accompanying TikTok video into your partner’s DMs, and then initiate a real-life conversation about it. Easy, right? Tell him you need to be able to come and go as you please just like he can, and that being the default parent is exhausting. As Dr. Em notes, he probably won’t realize this is even happening until you tell him. So tell him, ladies! And thank me after you do.

Does your family have a default parent?

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