We’ve all been there—you’re at the playground, minding your business, when all of a sudden your kid whacks another kid with a stick, pushes him off the swing, or steals his ball. Tears ensue, if not on both sides than at least on one (or three, if you include yourself). So, what’s a parent to do? A typical reaction may be to run on over and tell your child to apologize. But a new parenting debate says maaaaybe that’s not quite the way to go about this situation.

A new feature written by The Atlantic ponders whether or not it’s okay to tell kids to apologize for behaviors like these. The idea is that telling them to “say sorry” unconvincingly is a way that they can move on with their play. But the issue, some experts say, is that this is an empty apology that doesn’t help the child internalize what they just did, nor does the victim feel much better. It may be harmful, in fact, as the child realizes that apologizing gets them out of punishment, or that that’s the only way to make amends with a friend.

Instead, experts suggest, we should try to model behavior for our children, especially a younger kid who may not yet have the empathy that the rest of us do. 

One tactic is to pull the child aside and suggest (rather than force) that he find some way to make things better with his pal. Another good tool here would be to model good behavior for your child by apologizing on their behalf. So instead of telling little Johnny to “say sorry!,” you may instead say, “Tommy, Johnny is sorry that he pushed you off the swing. I know he’s your friend and he didn’t mean to hurt you.” With practice and exposure, kids will learn in time that this is the appropriate way to handle such a pickle.

My family and I had a very similar situation to this last month; my son was playing at the park with a few friends, and he was the perpetrator. “Please apologize,” I said, naturally, to my kid who pretended not to hear me. I was focused on the classmate who got hurt, who stood there crying as other kids looked on; my husband meanwhile was thinking about our child’s feelings and how he must’ve felt badly and embarrassed and didn’t want to draw more attention to the incident with other kids looking on. When we later brought up this incident with his therapist, her response was instead to ask him “how can we fix this?” and see what he proposes. This gives him the upper hand, but also helps him understand that he can’t just do nothing when he causes his friend distress. 

Still, some studies have found that there can be some good to both prompted and on-the-cuff apologies from kids, so if you’re in the moment and still inclined to tell your kid to apologize, you’re not the worst mom or dad in the world. Nudging your child in this way can help bring them out of their comfort zone for a few minutes, as well as make them feel a sense of relief that they righted a wrong. Just don’t berate your kiddo for their refusal to say sorry or their lack of emotions over the situation. They’ll get there.

What are your thoughts on forced apologies?

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