Research doesn’t lie — studies have shown that grandparent involvement leads to healthier kids. But what’s a mom or dad to do if their relationship with either set of parents or in-laws is, well, not-so-great?

Of course, an article like this one you’re reading won’t immediately improve a severed relationship between relatives. However, we can offer up some advice from experts on how to ensure your relationship with your in-laws — your child(ren)’s grandparents — is as good as it can be for the sake of your kid(s) and the family dynamic. Whether you have an overly opinionated or meddling mother-in-law, grandparents who never help out, or something somewhere in between, hopefully these in-laws tips will improve your relationship even just a bit:

Establish boundaries…and enforce them. Setting boundaries (spoken or unspoken) is key to a healthy relationship. Figure out with your partner what your non-negotiables are, and make sure your in-laws know not to cross those lines. For example, maybe you won’t pick a fight with your MIL when she asks you to put socks on your baby (annoying but not a deal-breaker), but it is okay to tell her to cool it if she’s interjecting on important familial decisions like, for example, which town you should settle down in and why. 

Bite your tongue… sometimes. Just as you pick your battles with your kids, you don’t need to pick a fight every time your in-law says something you disagree with (seriously, I’ve learned this one the hard way). Instead, you can politely disagree, state your opinion, and move on in an effort to avoid awkwardness and tension down the line. Saying something along the lines of “thank you for sharing your opinion,” or “I would appreciate it if you didn’t say XYZ” can get the point across without being rude. And the same rule applies when you’re around your kids — bite your tongue and don’t badmouth grandma and grandpa in front of them, because this might skew their perception of them (and can eventually get back to the grandparents too. Awkward).

Enlist grandma and grandpa for help. Grandparents want to feel included, and if you’re lucky, they’ll want to help too. Giving them tasks as they relate to the kids (if you trust them to do so, of course) will make their day and make your life easier. Maybe that means putting grandma on school pickup duty as her schedule permits, or having handy grandpa hang up shelves in your child’s new big kid bedroom.

Set aside designated grandparent/grandkid time. Let’s be honest — as much as your parents and in-laws want to spend time with you and your spouse, they really want to see your kids. If they’re willing and able both physically and emotionally, let nana and papa enjoy one-on-one time with your kids. My 7-year-old looks forward to sleepovers with my in-laws every 2-3 months. We get a night or two off, they get one-on-one time with their oldest grandson, and my kid gets unlimited ice cream and Target runs. It’s a win for everyone, really.

Consider the big picture. Annoying as it may be to have a meddling mother-in-law who insists she always knows the answers and needs to be involved, it’s all out of love. She wants the best for her child and her child’s family; she just might not always know how to express that. Also, and this advice can be shared with your teens and tweens too, most of the petty arguments with the in-laws that seem significant right now won’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Try to enjoy this time with the grandparents while they’re still around. Your kids (and you) are lucky to have them!

What’s your relationship like with your kids’ grandparents? Any tips for other parents?

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