As fun as Halloween is (Costumes! Candy! All the things!), the truth is for little ones, it can actually be quite scary. We can try to focus on the fun and shield our sons and daughters from the creepy parts of Oct. 31, like goblins and haunted houses and killer clowns and zombies, though sometimes it’s unavoidable. 

Truth is, having fears is just part of being a kid the other 364 days a year too. My 6-year-old, for example, has been frightened by skunks ever since he heard somewhere that they can spray people. He randomly asks me if there'll ever be a skunk under his bed who’s going to stink up his room; he’s now smart and old enough to know the answer is no, but he still panics at the zero-chance possibility. 

So, how should a parent help assuage a child’s fear, especially their first-ever one? A fear that may literally keep them up at night? Here are some pointers for when you find yourself in the same boat with your 3- to 6ish-year-old who’s all of a sudden scared of something:

1. Support your kid’s big feelings. This goes without saying when we talk about gentle parenting, but validating how the child feels is more helpful than trying to comfort them in the moment. For example, “I know, other kids think skunks are scary too!” is more beneficial than saying, “I promise you there are no skunks in our house.” Experts like @parentingstyleblog say that addressing their fear head-on rather than downplaying it helps them process what they’re worried about and in turn, helps ease their anxiety. 

2. Help your kid identify what they’re scared of. Once you’ve done #1, it’s time to talk it out. Your kid may not know how to express their fear in words, but your questioning can help guide them along. Sorry to use the skunk example again, but I could ask my skunk-avoidant son specific questions about this trigger, like “what makes skunks scary?” “Why do you think one will spray you?” and so on. Once we know where the fear stems from and why, it’s easier to help them.

3. Share something you’re afraid of too. Being frightened isn’t an emotion that’s unique to kids…why not let them know that? If you feel comfortable opening up to your child (and if you think they’re mature enough to understand), share something with them that scares you to help make this new emotion less taboo. Maybe it’s rodents, heights, enclosed spaces, getting hurt…sharing your own struggles will help your kid relate to you, and hopefully communicate more about what bothers them.

4. Make a plan to work through their fear. The last thing you need is your kid waking you up every night when they’re having nightmares about whatever it is they’re terrified by. Try to set a goal together of how they’ll overcome the fear, starting with small steps and working up to bigger ones. And be sure to praise your child as they get closer and closer to their goal of overcoming it (get step-by-step tips on how to do this HERE). Hopefully, they’ll feel empowered to conquer their fear with you as their support system.

5. Bring in an expert if need be. If you’ve tried everything and your child is still haunted by this one particular trigger, reach out to a child psychologist or therapist who specializes in kids with anxiety. A professional can help you figure out how to approach the fear and suggest tools to use and words to say to help your specific child.

What was your child’s first fear? And how did you help them cope?

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