Raising children is often romanticized as a labor of love, filled with heartwarming moments and all the joys of family life. But there’s a hidden burden—the mental load—and it’s taking a real toll on parents, especially mothers. 

It’s no secret that mothers often bear the brunt of the mental load in their families, and the consequences are significant. A 2024 study in the Archives of Women’s Mental Health linked cognitive household labor (planning, anticipating, delegating) to increased depression, stress, burnout, poorer mental health, and relationship functioning in women.

Skylight, a digital calendar company, published a Mental Load Report, and the numbers are startling:

• Parents spend about 30 hours per week on unseen labor.

• Schedule-related tasks take up 259 hours annually.

• The mental load occupies 63% of parents’ brain space on an average day.

• If parents were compensated for unseen labor, they would each earn $60K annually.

Okay, so the mental load is a REAL thing. What can we do about it? 

Is it time to manage your family like a corporation? That’s for you to decide. Since we have to start somewhere, understand and address the mental load in your home so you can spend more time creating core memories with your kids and raising good humans.  

Acknowledging and appreciating the invisible mental load starts with open communication and the willingness to share household responsibilities. 

Start by tracking who does what. List each person’s contributions and categorize tasks as cognitive or physical. Have weekly meetings to discuss your current situation and your future vision. What’s working, and what’s not? What are your partner and your preferred tasks? Then, consider the potential for task sharing or swapping.

Implement shared systems like family calendars and to-do lists. I use a personal Google Calendar and transfer key events to our whiteboard fridge calendar each month. A digital calendar will likely be more practical once my son is older.  

While calendars are useful, some big personal and family changes will also help. 

Find good systems. Choose specific days for grocery shopping, laundry, or paying bills. Establish routines for the kids (and yourself!). Automatic habits will minimize the chaos, so you can spend less time deciding and more time doing. 

Lower expectations. Your home doesn’t need to be spotless all the time. Focus on keeping it functional.  It’s okay to order takeout, skip a bath night, or leave the dirty dishes and go for a walk. Let go of guilt and determine what really matters to your family. Is it home-cooked meals or having time to play after dinner? 

Communicate. Schedule weekly check-ins with your partner to discuss household tasks, emotional needs, and any challenges. Don’t bottle things up; truly hear and validate each other. 

And do less. Assign age-appropriate chores to children. Ask for help when you need it, or consider hiring help for cleaning or childcare if you’re able. Opt for easy meals and capsule wardrobes, or declutter your home to reduce decision fatigue and maintenance. 

The book, “Fair Play” offers couples a structured approach to sharing household responsibilities. It provides clear rules, a list of common tasks, and conversation starters to establish expectations and prioritize what’s important. The Fair Play card game and podcast can also be helpful resources.

The mental load may be invisible, but its impact is undeniable. By supporting our partners and working together to share the burden, we can create a more fulfilling parenting experience and a happy, more balanced home life. 

How do you and your partner share the mental load in your household?

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