Another day, another parenting idea that instills fear in parents that we may or may not be messing up our children for life. Oh, the joys of millennial parenting. But we’re not totally doomed—and neither are our kids.

This time, the term in question is “hurried child syndrome,” which in a nutshell refers to kids who are pushed by parents or caregivers to perform like adults or behave beyond what’s appropriate for their age. It’s an idea coined in the 1980’s by child psychologist Dr. David Elkind, but it’s gaining traction now thanks to TikTok mom @gracefullgrit, whose viral video on the topic features the fear-mongering headline, “Why your child is anxious.”

Jill, the face behind @gracefullgrit, notes that research has found that it’s not “trauma, divorce, or loss,” that are kids’ biggest predictors of anxiety later in life; it’s growing up with “hurried” parents; those who are constantly in flight or fight mode, have overpacked schedules, and don’t leave time for kids to just chill and unpack their emotional baggage, so to speak.

She’s referencing the 2019 study which found that being a hurried parent makes kids anxious and more stressed because they constantly feel the need to meet their parents’ expectations. This syndrome often also results in physical side effects such as “headaches, sleep deprivation, ulcers, stomach aches, stammering, muscle twitching/hyperactivity, and [decreased] attention span,” the study points out.

 A few examples of hurried parent behavior include pushing children too hard academically, enrolling them in way too many extracurricular activities, or expecting them to behave perfectly at all times…basically, anything that robs kiddos of their childhood and forces them to grow up faster than they should. Another behavior which all of us just might be guilty of at some point is inadvertently sharing grown-up-only personal info with our young sons and daughters, such as the state of our finances or marital issues. But to be fair, this one is hard if you have a curious, er, nosy child like mine who makes literally every conversation his business…

The good news, though? We can easily and straightforwardly prevent hurried child syndrome. Dr. Elkind’s study and other experts, including one featured on Parents.com, suggest that doing the following can help:

• Know your child’s strengths and weaknesses. Let them learn at their own pace instead of pushing them to do what their peers may be doing. 

• Chill out. This means letting your little ones have unstructured play as well as time to rest, instead of scheduling every minute of their day (and yours). Chill out in your standards too—set attainable goals for your kids, rather than ones that may be beyond their grade level or comprehension. (For example, you can’t expect a toddler to not throw tantrums. That’s just science, folks).

• Ditch the screens. Use video games, TV, and tablets in moderation and as supplemental tools for learning, rather than as a main source of play and entertainment. Get kids playing outside and with friends as much as possible.

• Show appreciation and love. This goes without saying, but regularly showing and telling your kid that you love them, value their feelings, and are okay with them making mistakes is crucial to their emotional well-being.

It’s also important to note that the intentions are good here—no parent means to push their kids to grow up too quickly (and sometimes mini-adulting can be good!). It’s our job as moms and dads to raise confident kids, set them up for success, and do what’s best for them. Cultural norms and social media are partly to blame, as it’s made it more and more difficult for kids to be kids and they invoke an irrational guilt in modern day parents that we’re never doing quite enough. 

But perfectionism isn’t feasible. As TikTok mom Jill so eloquently concludes her video, “slowing down will protect your child’s mental health and yours.” 

Are you a little guilty of being a hurried parent? Aren’t we all?

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