Ever catch yourself saying things like, “Why can’t you just…” or “Look at how so-and-so does it?” We get it. It’s so hard not to. We all want our kids to be at their best, but sometimes, our well-intentioned comments might do more harm than good.

The first step is recognizing whether your communication comes from judgment and criticism or love and kindness. And sometimes, it’s all in how we speak. We want you to set clear boundaries and expectations for your family, and it’s totally possible to do this in a supportive and encouraging way. 

If you’re not sure where to start, try unconditional love. It might sound obvious, but your kids need to know that you love them, no matter what, even when they make mistakes (and they will). This kind of love gives them the confidence to try new things and take risks without fearing losing your affection. 

Focus on effort and growth, not outcomes. We live in a results-obsessed world. But for children, learning how to do something is just as important as being able to do it really well. The problem is that some kids just don’t get it. I try to remind my perfectionistic son that no one is the best at everything they do, and it’s okay to be good enough or just okay at many things.

Instead of solely focusing on good grades or how many baskets they make in the game, tell your kids you recognize their effort, how they never gave up, and their willingness to learn and improve.

Practice active listening and empathy. Because we’ve beeinn alive a lot longer, it can be way too easy to give solutions to our kids’ problems, but doing so doesn’t allow them to figure it out on their own.

Instead of immediately fixing their problem, ask if they want to vent or hear your advice. While talking with them, make good eye contact, nod your head, and paraphrase what they say to show you’re actually paying attention. Be mindful of your tone, and don’t forget to validate their feelings, even if you disagree with their perspective. And put that phone down once in a while, K?

Be self-compassionate. Kids learn by observing adults. If you constantly talk negatively to yourself, your kids will likely do the same. Nobody’s perfect, so you can still acknowledge your mistakes but try to learn from them and move on. Don’t dwell on the negatives. Show your kids it’s okay not to be the best at everything and that making mistakes is normal in life. 

Resist the urge to compare. It’s true: comparison is the thief of joy. And comparing your kids with others can tack on unnecessary pressure and damage their confidence. Instead, celebrate their unique talents and help them be their best. 

Create a supportive home environment. A child’s home should be a safe and comforting without fear of judgment. Encourage open communication so your child feels heard and respected, and make sure there’s plenty of joking and laughter along the way. 

Check out the Parenting & You podcast for more advice on judgment-free parenting. 

Do you struggle with judging your kids?

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