Being a kid is hard! Between school, sports, activities, families, and their busy social lives, it’s normal for them to have their share problems. If you’re lucky, they trust you enough to come to you for help. But are they really listening? And will they take your advice? These are the big questions many parents have. 

That “not knowing” is the worst part. Watching someone you care about repeatedly make the same mistakes can feel pointless—as if your words are going in one ear out the other. And if your kiddos are anything like my son, no matter how much great advice they hear, they think they need to figure it out themselves.

But here’s the good news: know that your effort is making an impact. Although it doesn’t feel like it at the moment, your advice might actually be making a bigger impact than you realize.

A study published in the Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology examined how advice-giving affects preteens. “We wanted to know what parents are telling their kids about how to manage these stressors and how the kids are responding," lead author Kelly Tu told US News. 

The study involved 100 mother-child pairs of 5th graders and focused on kids right before they entered middle school, a vulnerable time filled with social and academic challenges. Study participants spent five minutes discussing the child’s academic problem, and researchers found mothers offered three kinds of advice: reframing, strategizing, and help-seeking.  

The kids' responses varied depending on advice type, but many dismissed or ignored their mother’s input—are we surprised?!

However, the study did offer hope for parents: even if your kids initially reject your attempts to reframe their problem into a learning experience, it could still positively impact and help them cope with future stressors—and as we are well aware, there will be future stressors!

It seems that the last thing many almost-middle-schoolers want to do is admit their parents know what they’re talking about. Yet, researchers found that the kids who initially rejected their mother’s advice actually improved academically more than those who readily accepted it. "Even if they don't seem to be receptive in the moment, we are finding that some advice still has longer-term benefits," Tu said. Guess I’ll have to remember this the next time my son is tuning me out!

Researchers also found that offering strategizing or problem-solving advice could put too much pressure on kids. Moreover, suggesting they seek help from a teacher might inadvertently encourage them to rely on others for similar problems in the future, potentially limiting their ability to develop a broader set of coping skills and making it harder for them to handle challenges independently in the future.

The bottom line is to treat each problem your child faces as unique and offer various suggestions so they can develop a strong set of coping skills to apply to different situations throughout their lives. 

And please, for your own sake, don’t overdo the advice-giving. Avoid the urge to be a “lawn-mower parent”—let them make mistakes. When fires happen (figuratively, of course), help them walk through those flames; don’t try to prevent them altogether.  

Ask them if they need someone to listen or if they actually want to hear what you have to say—this is great for dealing with adults too!

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, treat your kids with respect. They’ll be more likely to come to you for help. 

So, what do you think? How do you approach advice-giving with your kiddos?

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