You always remember your first…sleepover. Mine was a close friend and neighbor’s birthday party circa age 8, where we all set up our Disney princess sleeping bags in the living room, painted our nails, and watched My Girl. I remember not sleeping a wink because I was anxious about falling asleep first and a lot of other things, which now as a parent makes me wonder…was I really emotionally and socially ready for that slumber party?

As a mom to a newly-minted 7-year-old, I find myself asking parents with slightly older children if their kids are in their sleepover or slumber party eras yet. Sleep unders seem to be a popular option for kids these days, where they go to a friend’s house around dinner time, get in pajamas, eat snacks, play some games, and then go home to sleep in their own beds later than their usual bedtime. I wish that was a thing in the ‘90s, but anyway…

Experts say there really isn’t a particular age at which kids are ready to spend the night at a friend’s place; it depends more on each individual’s maturity level and readiness. Here are some questions to ask yourself if you’re wondering if your son or daughter is there yet. Like with getting your tween a phone, the first sleepover is a big developmental (and social) milestone that’s a gateway to more independence, so timing is important. Hope this helps!

1. Have they ever slept away from home/away from you? An obvious yet important point to consider is if your kid has slept somewhere other than their own bed and/or with adults other than their parent(s) and gotten through the night without crying or being scared. Yes, sleeping at a grandparent’s is different from sleeping at a friend’s, but a successful weekend with grandma and grandpa can be a good way to gauge if they may be ready for a night with a classmate sooner or later.

2. Have they expressed interest in having a sleepover? There’s a fine line between curiosity and genuine interest. Your son or daughter may ask you what a sleepover entails because they heard about the idea from a friend, but then get cold feet when it comes down to actually having one. If your kid does bring it up on their own, make sure they want to actually experience a sleepover for themselves and aren’t being peer pressured into what their friends are doing. Easier said than done, sure, but this is good practice for the teen years.

3. How do they get along with their friend(s) for extended periods? Don’t be like me: your child’s first sleepover should be with one or two friends rather than a whole group of people they may or may not know. Ask yourself how your child interacts with the potential sleepover friend(s) on playdates or at school. If they get along well, enjoy the same things, and generally don’t butt heads, they may be ready to take the plunge together.

4. Can they do their bedtime routine independently? Going to the bathroom, showering, putting on pajamas, and brushing teeth are all key parts of a kid’s bedtime routine. They should be able to do these things at home with minimal assistance (or no help from you at all) before considering having to do it at someone else’s home.

5. Are they able to speak up and ask an adult (other than you) for help? Your child will need to feel safe at the home at which they’re staying, so it’s best to have their first sleepover with a family you and they both know well. It’s also imperative that you tell your child beforehand to tell the friend’s parents if something is bothering them, they’re homesick, they don’t feel well, or they feel uncomfortable. There’s always a chance with any sleepover that you’ll get a call in the middle of the night that your child wants to go home; make sure your child knows that’s an option and to speak up if anything goes awry. 

And I'll leave you with some final sleepover advice from parenting expert Emily Oster: there’s really no way of knowing how your child’s first sleepover will go until it happens. Consider it a learning experiment that’ll better prepare you for next time. But hey, isn’t that pretty much what all of parenting is anyway?

When do you think you’ll know if your kid is sleepover ready?

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