Is your child asking for their own phone? In today’s hyper-connected world, it’s no surprise that our kids are asking for phones earlier and earlier. So, if you’re dealing with this right now, you’re not alone.

Let’s face it: our phones have become an extension of ourselves. They’re our go-to for everything from staying in touch with friends and family to finding the best deal on back-to-school shopping. We all know how convenient it is to have the world at our fingertips. In fact, you might be reading this very blog on your phone!

It’s natural to want our kids to be connected and included. But smartphones also have potential downsides: messaging about unrealistic beauty standards, cyberbullying, exposure to inappropriate content, and the pressure to keep up with the latest trends (like what overpriced water bottle everyone seems to have). The list, unfortunately, goes on. 

So when is the right time to give your kids a smartphone, and how do you ensure it doesn’t take over their lives once you do? 

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to this question. However, one perspective that has gained a lot of attention is from Jonathan Haidt, a social psychologist and author of The Anxious Generation.

Haidt argues that smartphones are a major contributor to the rise in anxiety and depression among Gen Z. He attributes this to “continuous access to social media, online video games, and other internet-based activities,” which is why he proposes four new norms: 

• No smartphones before high school

• No social media before the age of 16

• Ban smartphones in schools

• More free play

Whether or not smartphones are to blame for a rise in youth mental health conditions, we agree that our kids could really benefit from Haidt’s four ideas.  

Model a healthy relationship with your phone. I can’t possibly be the only one who’s been called out by my child for being on my phone. Sure, sometimes I use it to zone out and recharge, but other times, a wake-up call (or guilt trip) helps me snap back to the present moment. Kids are great teachers, aren’t they? 

It can be hard, but try to limit your phone usage around your kids, especially when you’re supposed to be spending quality time together. I’ve found that keeping my phone in a separate room is helpful, as I know I’ll be tempted to pick it up if it’s nearby. 

Put yourself in their shoes. Ask your kids why they want a phone. Is it because all their friends have one? Do they want to connect with other kids, play games, or do something else? It’s easy to compare their world to how we grew up, but remember, technology has changed everything. Adapting within reason and with clear boundaries is key to avoiding constant conflict and building trust. 

Switch the focus to relationships. Healthy relationships are built in the real world, not just through a screen. Developing meaningful connections can be difficult if your child is constantly glued to their phone. Encourage them to explore hobbies, join clubs, or participate in activities that require in-person interaction. 

If your child already has a smartphone or tablet, consider limiting which apps they can use and when they can use them. You might also limit screen time to “necessary tasks” and ask them to keep devices in a common area during bedtime. 

Try to have phone-free times for your whole family or suggest phoneless hangouts to other parents of your child’s friends. It is much easier to implement when everyone is on board, and your kids will likely notice the positive impact of these device-free times.

If you have younger children who haven’t yet expressed a desire for a smartphone, now is the perfect time to start the conversation. It might seem early, but these requests can come sooner than you think. My 7-year-old has already asked for a phone. However, since he’s never anywhere besides school without me or another trusted adult, I don’t see a need for him to have one right now. 

Show your kids that there’s a time and place for technology and that it can be helpful. My son and I enjoy scrolling through “oddly satisfying” videos of people mixing paint colors and building giant Lego creations. We also love laughing at riddles and jokes we find online, listening to podcasts, and taking silly photos and videos together. 

Talk to your kids about phone safety. A few important tips from Scholastic for parents of 11-13-year-olds include: assess before answering, keep it private, and be wary of downloading. 

You may also consider discussing your child’s school’s phone policy. Many schools have seen positive results from implementing phone bans. My husband, a high school equity specialist, works at a school that implemented a “no phones in the classroom” rule this year. Students drop off their phones as they enter the classroom, reducing distraction and promoting more focused learning. Sure, it hasn’t come without arguments, pushback from students, and even some kids skipping class to be on their phones. But overall, he says, there have been improvements.

Ultimately, whether or not your child has a smartphone is your decision, and you should do what works best for your family. We’d love to hear your thoughts on kids and phones!

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