Throughout most if not all of our lives as parents, we’ve been inadvertently told through the media not to be the helicopter parent who hovers too much, or the bulldozer who plows away all their kids’ issues before they even happen. Don’t be a tiger mom whose standards are too high, or a jellyfish parent who, like the neglectful parent category in the four main parenting styles, lacks a backbone and is too lenient. But have experts finally found the new parenting middle ground? 

Enter the “lighthouse parent,” which is the supposed ideal, according to researchers. It strikes the perfect balance of guidance and love, but also means knowing when to keep our distance. Lighthouse parenting is a concept that’s been around for a few years, with a newfound interest now after it was addressed in an essay in The Atlantic titled “Lighthouse Parents Have More Confident Kids.”

Deriving its name from the tower that helps ships avoid danger on the water, lighthouse parents “provide firm boundaries and emotional support while allowing their children the freedom to navigate their own challenges,” author and educator Russell Shaw writes in the piece. “They demonstrate that they trust their kids to handle difficult situations independently. The key is learning when to step back and let them find their own way.”

Essentially, it’s a middle-of-the-road parenting style where you’re neither too dismissive nor overbearing, not too standoffish or too controlling. It gives kids freedom to make mistakes and learn from them without a grown-up swooping in to do it, but confidence in knowing they have their sturdy, strong lighthouse hanging out at a safe distance whenever needed.

Now here’s a simple real-life scenario where lighthouse parenting came into play for me. I’ve witnessed a handful of play dates where my 6-year-old son and his buddy hit a wall; usually it’s because they can’t agree on what game to play or how to transition to the next activity. My initial instinct is to step in and help them reach a compromise, but the other parent is usually the one to tell me “eh, they’ll figure it out.” In most cases they do figure it out with something silly like a game of rock/paper/scissors or flipping a coin. I’d like to intervene before a tantrum erupts or before someone gets hurt (helicopter much?), but instead I’m leaning into my inner lighthouse, teaching him and his friend to problem solve themselves. Yay me.

There are six pillars of lighthouse parenting, according to Parents.com:

• Checking in and communicating regularly

• Balancing autonomy with guidance

• Giving children enough space to learn from their mistakes

• Being available when needed

• Fostering independence and resilience 

• Allowing children to make decisions and problem-solve independently 

Researchers have found that these parenting practices lead not only to more confident kids, as The Atlantic headline suggests, but Parents says other benefits are these kids become adults who understand boundaries, have a strong parent/child relationship, and excellent coping skills, since they’re used to handling issues more independently.

The point of lighthouse parenting—and all Starglow’s other takes on trending parenting news, to be honest—isn’t to stress parents out even more. We don’t need to read all we can on these so-called trends and completely overhaul how we raise our children. It’s simply emphasizing the importance of communicating with our kids, giving them space to learn from their mistakes, and supporting them emotionally when they need us.

And lastly, keep in mind that lighthouse parenting might not work for everyone. Depending on factors such as a child’s age, emotional development, and personality traits, some boys and girls will need more hand-holding than others. As with every other trend, do what works for you and your family.

Do you consider yourself a lighthouse parent?

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