Turns out that sometimes it is what you say, not just how you say it.

As parents, especially those of us who follow the gentle parenting or purposeful parenting style, it’s been ingrained in us that how we communicate with our kids is important for their growth and development, both in everyday conversations and in disciplining. We should watch our tone of voice but yell as needed; pay attention to our child’s feelings but assert our authority; use age-appropriate language but don’t talk down to them. (I sound like I’m reciting America Ferrera’s Barbie monologue about the difficulties of womanhood, but it’s true!)

And a new study done by Preply, an online company that teaches language, emphasizes the importance of how we talk to our kids and, more importantly, the words we use in doing so. In its survey of more than 1,400 parents across the U.S., 20 percent have regretted using certain terms with their kids.

The most common negative words used by parents, in this order, are: naughty, spoiled, lazy, selfish, bad, liar, and stupid. Interestingly, according to the report, “a significant portion of parents have inadvertently influenced their children’s self-perception through their language,” meaning that using criticism or harsh words affects how kids view themselves. The opposite can be said for words of encouragement, which unsurprisingly have been found to improve a child’s self-esteem and foster resilience.

As far as gender is concerned, 48 percent of parents with girls tend to be careful using words like “pretty” and “beautiful” so as not to focus too heavily on appearance. 38 percent of parents with sons similarly try to stay away from the words “brave” and “strong” so their boys don’t feel the pressure to be tough guys.

Parenting style was taken into account too. 12.9% of parents surveyed associate with gentle parenting, and most of these were among the younger generation of parents (hey, millennials). A majority of 61% wish their parents watched their language more when they were growing up (sorry, boomers).

A few more interesting stats from the survey:

• 87% of parents have used verbal threats to their kids when in trouble

• 1 in 12 parents regret cursing around their kids

• 3 in 10 parents regret the language used when discouraging certain behaviors

What’s my biggest takeaway from this report? That parents make mistakes and slip a word in a conversation once in a while that they didn’t mean to use around their kids. But generally speaking, as parents in 2024, we think before we speak. For example, my husband and I will never refer to ourselves or anyone we know as “fat” in our son’s presence, and never call him a “bad kid,” even on days that he misbehaves. 

Hopefully you too don't read this survey and feel regretful, but instead, you walk away from your screen inspired to be more conscious about how you communicate with your child. Remember: We’re all just doing our best.

What are some words you use often with your kids, good or bad?

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